resilience

last night i dreamt that my wisdom tooth was coming through again like a tiny fang in the corner of my mouth. the tooth next to it was turning black. i called my mother and stated it all very matter-of-factly. it freaks me out a little because teeth are a bad omen and i want to know, now, what it means

i dreamt of m too, that he wrote me a letter berating me for giving back the bonsai tree. last night cher and i talked about symbolism and what does it mean that he bought me a bonsai tree for christmas after we broke up and he told me it’s supposed to mean something and i think i know what it is but what does it mean that i get no morning sun and i had to give it back? no i chose to give it back, the truth is i refuse to take care of it, i refuse to be reminded of his fucking symbols every day. and that’s okay

the night before last night i had a minor hospital flashback, the raw open wounds that still make me wince, and i realised it will be four years on february 6th and why haven’t i suffered more consequences for it? i asked my therapist if people are just that resilient, if it’s possible to smile and accept a freak accident in which you burnt a tenth of your body and scarred you for life. because yes i’ve grieved a few times but no it wasn’t a bad thing, it’s just something that happened and it’s okay. and i think maybe i thought of my accident because i’m doing the same thing with losing marco because i feel very clear about how i should feel, which is that i don’t have the time or patience to mourn someone that’s in love with me but doesn’t want to be with me. i don’t feel rejected, i don’t think about him, i am unwilling to miss him. i feel this force pushing me forward, forward. if i look back i’ll stumble. besides i’ve got such an incredible view in front of me and i would hate to lose a moment of it

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Alexia

I drink, I laugh, I smoke, I write.

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