Everything is always the same and yet everything is always changing in thousands of ways: obvious and obscure, giant and invisible. Like drifting on a lilo at sea, looking up at some point and realising you’re actually pretty far away from your umbrella. I’m tuning in to this flow. I can feel the energy gush inside and around me. Is this what it feels like to be alive? I can’t believe I didn’t realise (again) that I was depressed. It’s such a sneaky little fucker. But I’m okay now. I’m something better than okay. I’m strong again. I’ve been talking to my mother and she thinks I’m hilarious. I work with women who appreciate my gentleness, who think I’m wise. I have been pulling up courage to smile at strangers on the street, and it’s beautiful. I tell myself I’m sexy even if my body’s not ‘perfect’, I say thank you for fucking everything.
Editing Student Alert.
Thats sounds as if Im grateful for having sex with everything.
Actually, at the moment, I am not sleeping with anything. See, I’ve been getting shit together since November but my boyfriend was away and he didn’t see it. He snapped and let me go and that’s a shame but it’s okay. This is a lucid heartbreak. Sometimes the grief rumbles through me so hard I can’t breathe. Most of the time, I tuck him away and go to work and laugh and play and meditate. I love him and this sucks but what’s a girl to do? I’ve come home to myself after a long spell away and the furniture’s all different. I can either wish for the old stuff back or I can sit down and see how I like my new goddamn chair. I have been suffering for over a decade and I kept wondering why, wondering how much more. I don’t want to be in pain anymore. The conspiracy theorist in me suspects that The Universe is trying to challenge me. Happy? Here’s a break-up, kid. It hurts, sure. But the truth is, I know that he left my life because he taught me what he needed to teach me. I don’t need him anymore. He wanted me to toughen up. But I am tough even when I’m fragile. Sometimes, I need to be taken care and I’m okay with that. I understand the power of vulnerability. I understand that it’s my sensitivity that makes me strong. “It’s easy to be strong from a distance.”
The word this year is OPEN. Since practicing openness, I have been flooded with love and by it. It is so important to surround yourself with people that connect you to who you are. The truth is that he didn’t make me feel good and since he left my life, all these butterflies have flown in
This is not a post about a break-up. This is a post about flow, about letting go. This is a post about faith. I have the foresight that everything makes sense in hindsight. I cannot steer everything in my life, and one of those things is love. What I can do, is choose how to view life’s unfoldings. It would be easy to see the obstacle; it would be easy to pretend that he just doesn’t love me anymore, that maybe he never loved me, instead of realising that love is complicated, that sometimes you need to be patient. But I choose to see the opportunity: his withdrawal from my life will leave me open to unforseeable opportunities. I choose to understand that sometimes it’s the wrong time and all you can do is hope that you’ll get your shit together at the same time in the future.
And so it goes with everything: red lights remind me to be patient. When I’m grumpy at work, I remember that I’m lucky to have a job. When I feel fat, I run my hands over my scars and I apologise for being unappreciative of its endurance. When I watch Law and Order instead of writing my thesis, I forgive myself and try harder the next day. Everything is an opportunity, regardless of whether it was our choice to begin with. And, you know, Rainer Maria Rilke. Always.