And so.

My guts wept for all the things I didn’t dare say. I lay on my back and looked into my mind. There was a horizon. A sunearth world and a horizon with infinite ends. There were orange and blue birds smiling around this world. The orange and blue of childhood, you know, the colours they teach you at school. I zoomed in, I could see the birds were smiling, and that each of them was in a perfect circle, no matter how they moved. They weren’t real birds, they were painted. I could see every stroke. I thought, This is how artists must create- they see pictures in their heads. I see words too, I guess. But they float around my mind and then some of them glow, or grow bigger and then I know I want to use that word. 

I felt more centred today than I have in a while. I felt my roots in the Universe. I felt my soul attracting light (as thin as that sounds). I am the centre and I am in control of what I attract. I do not let myself be usurped by other people’s energy.

I am my Daddy’s daughter. I come from a long line of philosophers. We, the descendants of the Ancient Greeks. 

I’m exhausted but I feel powerful and I have felt helpless for so much of the time that I want to take advantage. That’s why I’m always the last to leave a party, why I can’t bear to say goodbye. Because I want to hold on to as much good feeling as possible. There is a darkness within me on which light has never shone. This is what I am always running from. 


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I drink, I laugh, I smoke, I write.

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