I’m surprised by my capacity to forgive, but I suppose it’s being human. Tell me about a time when you surprised yourself with forgiving someone for something you previously thought unforgiveable.
My previous post was enlightening. I WAS SO FUCKING BORED OF BEING UNHAPPY. So a few weeks ago, I woke up and snapped out of it.
This is my life and it has been been very painful at times but I can’t control that. What I can control is how I let it affect me. And so, I choose not to wallow. I choose not to let my pain rule me. I choose not to let rejection determine how I feel about myself. I choose not to hunt for flaws. I choose to lose anxiety regarding awkwardness. I choose doing things I talk about and not beat myself up if I don’t.
True to form, something happened two days after this decision which I will not discuss for a long time. But that hasn’t deterred me: I still insist on trying to be happy. I choose not to be broken.
I listen to my affirmations daily. I work out whenever I can, even if it’s ten minutes here and there. I eat mainly vegan and I have almost completely cut out sugar. I try to drink less. When the voices start to bully, I shove them back and then I give myself a hug. I am not on medication and I don’t want to be.
I am not ill or disabled, my mind just works differently; I resent the idea that everyone with Bipolar/Depression/etc requires medication to function. Medication is a last resort. And so, I am standing firm with my doctors on the issue. I have started therapy again and he seems like a good man and he has a sense of humour which is important.
Half-way through our first session, he said this: “I think that you’re covering up a lot of pain. You’re sitting here before me, bright and bubbly, but it sounds like you’ve been through a lot; I suspect that you’re able to smile because you’ve done such a great job of burying it.”
I laughed and thanked him. Why did I thank him?
This is more of blog post than a writing one, and I am very aware of the lack of lyricism, but maybe I should be okay with that.