I Choose

I’m surprised by my capacity to forgive, but I suppose it’s being human. Tell me about a time when you surprised yourself with forgiving someone for something you previously thought unforgiveable.

My previous post was enlightening. I WAS SO FUCKING BORED OF BEING UNHAPPY. So a few weeks ago, I woke up and snapped out of it.

This is my life and it has been been very painful at times but I can’t control that. What I can control is how I let it affect me. And so, I choose not to wallow. I choose not to let my pain rule me. I choose not to let rejection determine how I feel about myself. I choose not to hunt for flaws. I choose to lose anxiety regarding awkwardness. I choose doing things I talk about and not beat myself up if I don’t. 

True to form, something happened two days after this decision which I will not discuss for a long time. But that hasn’t deterred me: I still insist on trying to be happy. I choose not to be broken.

I listen to my affirmations daily. I work out whenever I can, even if it’s ten minutes here and there. I eat mainly vegan and I have almost completely cut out sugar. I try to drink less. When the voices start to bully, I shove them back and then I give myself a hug. I am not on medication and I don’t want to be.

I am not ill or disabled, my mind just works differently; I resent the idea that everyone with Bipolar/Depression/etc requires medication to function. Medication is a last resort. And so, I am standing firm with my doctors on the issue. I have started therapy again and he seems like a good man and he has a sense of humour which is important. 

Half-way through our first session, he said this: “I think that you’re covering up a lot of pain. You’re sitting here before me, bright and bubbly, but it sounds like you’ve been through a lot; I suspect that you’re able to smile because you’ve done such a great job of burying it.”

I laughed and thanked him. Why did I thank him?

This is more of blog post than a writing one, and I am very aware of the lack of lyricism, but maybe I should be okay with that. 

 

 

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Published by

Alexia

I drink, I laugh, I smoke, I write.

2 thoughts on “I Choose”

  1. ‘I’m just saying you only get one life. There’s no God, no rules, no judgments, except for those you accept or create for yourself. And once it’s over, it’s over. Dreamless sleep forever and ever. So why not be happy while you’re here. Really. Why not?’ – Nate, in ‘Six feet under’.

    I could smother them with caveats, and I’m sure you could too, but when facing my own unhappiness, these lines keep coming back to me.

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