Is There a Word for Laughing and Crying at the Same Time?

I stay in bed for 27hours. In that time, I catch up on my shows, I read a letter, I cry, I write, I cry again, I consider eating, I don’t eat, I write some more.

I wake up super late feeling muffled. I watch another show. I cry. I think about that letter. I get up. I unpack. Almost everything is dirty. I feel guilty for not buying presents. I realise I came back with a lof of books. I don’t realise that I am making a pile of things that smell like Bali. I stop every now and then to smell them– the lemongrass soap, the sweat, the incense, the palmtrees, the heat.

I shuffle around the room, still muffled, with a tan that makes my skin feel more like home. What happened just before the moment  threw my arms up and said, ‘I want to live, damn it’? I don’t know. But I did it, I said it. Is this what I am mourning? How easy it was to feel alive in Bali? Am I mourning the freedom of devoting so much time to my happiness?

A while ago, someone I love deeply stopped talking to me. I didn’t ask questions. I didn’t think about it at all. It hurt too much. I just learnt to live without her. But she wrote to me last week and she asked me how I was and I told her the truth. Rather, the tip of the truth, which is that  I am better, but being better means reconciling with not trying to be happy. It’s too hard and devastating to try and be happy. I think I’ve kind of given up. Can you only kind of give up? I have accepted that joy does not come to me naturally. And because of that, I look closer. There is no point in tripping over everything in the attempt to reach some distant light.

I guess Bali freed something in me. I guess that’s the best souvenir. I think maybe that’s the key– not to try to be happy, but to try and be alive.

And the moment I was about to post this, a song came on, and I laughed, because barley sounds just like Bali. I laughed and held my hands up to my face and then I wasn’t sure what I was doing, laughing or crying. But I don’t care which one. It is what it is and I was doing it. Is there a word for laughing and crying at the same time?

Fields of Gold by Eva Cassidy

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Published by

Alexia

I drink, I laugh, I smoke, I write.

7 thoughts on “Is There a Word for Laughing and Crying at the Same Time?”

      1. youre too beautiful and smart to be blogging. its tough, but i’ve turned God. To marriage and to making actual babies and a family. Weirdly when having it all i was a depressed mess. Struggling trying to get married among debilitating 3rd world social issues, trying to keep a job that pays crap, trying to study for exams all while being ill and scared as to how the future might be, i’ve never felt so alive before.

      2. I dont understand what being beautiful and smart (thank you) have to do with blogging or God? I do not follow any church but I feel at home in all of them, and temples and synagogues too. Life is hard and writing about it helps. Even more so the people I have met through blogging.

        I hoe I am not being rude, I simply do not understand!

  1. oh no its cool. your not being rude 😛

    i dunno. i think what i meant to say was the internet is a waste of time. its been that way personally for me at least

    for example. its really fun when the power goes out haha. at work, at home and anywhere basically. everybody unplugs from their tvs and computers to sit around people to talk and make weird faces. its beautiful

    which sort of ties into your post. about living life. which is probably why i said stuff about the purpose of life

    so yeah. im visiting a psychologist soon so please bear with my insanity 😛

    1. …You do see the irony of having stumbled across and replied to my blog on the Internet, right?! I agree that it is s time-waster and zombifier, but I also thing that it has the wonderful quality of bringing people together. In any case, I don’t consider my blog to be in the same category as Internet time-wasters. Maybe it is for my readers, but for me it is an exercise in writing, expression and catharsis.

      Thanks for dropping in anyway and good luck with therapy!

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