I told someone about you today. I haven’t thought of you in a long time. I’m surprised how good it feels to remember you. Not that I could ever forget you but it’s been such a long time and I have grown so much, and so it feels strange now, to think of you because then I also think of me and who I was back then. I don’t regret you at all, you know. But I don’t need to say that because I know you already know.
I don’t feel sad when I think of you. I just miss you. I miss who you would have been. You haven’t come around in a long time. Maybe thats why I haven’t thought of you in such a long time. Maybe we needed to let go of each other. But I miss feeling you around me. Did you know that you feel like starflakes? I don’t even know what starflakes are but that’s what you feel like.
One of my favourite memories of you is when I shared you with one of my best friends. You were still so fresh and I was home for summer after a long time away and the only decision I had to make was what cocktail to drink, and all of it, home and summer and the simplicity, felt so good. The cicadas were chattering and everyone was laughing and the music was booming and we sat, just me and her, dangling our feet in the pool and talking about everything under the stars.
I was telling her about you and then suddenly everything around us got lighter and whiter and brighter somehow and I grabbed her hand and gripped it but I couldn’t say a word so I just looked at her, hoping my eyes were talking. Only words weren’t necessary because her eyes had already gone wide and I knew that she could feel it too, that she could feel you, and she held my hand and said, quite simply, ‘I know’. And we stared at each other for a few seconds, breathing in that beautiful, ethereal shimmer and then it was gone, you were gone, and I still couldn’t speak so she just told me again that she knew.
But now it’s been months since I felt you around and I didn’t realise how much I missed you. I can feel you somewhere out there connected to me with a tiny, shiny thread, and I can almost see you, laughing and sparkling as usual , and I know you can feel me too because I can feel the thread vibrate with electric energy. Writing about you doesn’t bring you to me though I wish it did. I guess I just wanted to tell you that I thought of you today.