It doesn’t feel like the last day of the year. The fact that I am so underwhelmed overwhelms me. New Year’s Eve is just a day with a another name. I think this sums up my 2011.
This is the year I stopped expecting.
I stopped expecting life to be a rainbow rollercoaster one day after another. I stopped expecting people to notice how much I care about them. I stopped expecting myself to be everything to everyone.
This is a good thing. Without expectations, there can be no disappointments.
This is the year I stopped forgiving inadequacy. This is the year I stopped giving so much of myself. This is the year I grew.
I lost friends, good ones. I worked too much. I laughed too little.
I was not happy. But this year I was true to myself. This year was shin-aches. Remember those?
What was 2011 for you?
1. What did you do in 2010 that you’d never done before?
I worked through Christmas. IT SUCKS.
I was tempted to wear fur. Bad vegetarian! Even if it was just rabbit.
I let myself be negative and bitter.
I ate lunch on a cruise boat.
I bought tangerine stilettos.
I wore brown.
2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
Last year I planned to:
“submit my novel”- FAIL
“move out”- FAIL
“heal my scar tissue”- SEMI-SUCCESS
“get a motherfucking tan”- SUCCESS!
I’m not making New Year’s Resolutions this year. I’m too busy making Life Resolutions.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Yes, darling little Keanu and Perseus! And more to come next year!
Man, that makes me feel old.
4. Did anyone close to you die?
No but I went to two funerals. They were sad. I cried.
5. What countries did you visit?
6. What would you like to have had in 2011 that you lacked in 2010?
I would have liked to have had more time. I feel like I’ve been working 24/7 since July. I can’t cut time from the gym or sleeping so my social life has suffered. THIS IS TRAGIC. On a side note, I have realised that I am far too fragile for things like work; I have too much thinking/making myself happy to do.
7. What dates from 2010 will remain etched upon your memory and why?
This is a difficult question because the year was so long for me. Asking for an answer to this question is like giving me a box of buttons and saying, “You must tell me which buttons are your favourite without sifting through.”
Off the top of my head: the night I overused the word fabulous, the August days on the island of Chios, the picnic at Tatoi when we talked about The Universe and listened to bagpipes, cooking with Mathilde…
Christmas Eve was memorable if only because I got so stoned and then tried to socialise.
Yesterday was memorable too. Early in the morning I was moving things around at work. It was quiet which enabled me to get into a rhythm. When a couple asked me for help, I was a bit distracted, trying not to lose momentum. I noticed the husband because he had a very endearing smile. I showed them a few things and left them to their own devices. I had just gotten back into the groove when, out of the corner of my eye, I saw the man approaching me. He stood right in front of me and took my hand. I understood that I was about to experience something poignant so I calmed my face and focuses my eyes on his eyes. They were the colour of the ocean in winter. He didn’t skip a beat. He held me close and said, “I hope that you always hold on to that sweet, wonderful smile.”
And then he left. And I smiled for a moment. But then I cried. I cried because it was intense. I cried because I have already failed at smiling so many times. I cried because I realised why I noticed that man: we knew each other; my soul knew his soul. What I saw in his eyes, was love. And how could a stanger love me? I wonder about the life I had when I knew him.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Not giving a shit. I think I lost my naivete this year. My tongue is more blunt and my heart is a little bit sharper. I have less faith. My hope is rusty. This pains me of course but it is necessary to stifle sensitivity if one to go through life without hurting every day. I care less and hence I am less likeable and this is okay.
9. What was your biggest failure?
Ironically, becoming less sensitive. I lost my zest this year. I was too tired to be a giver. I didn’t wince every time I saw a beggar. I don’t offer to go the extra mile any more.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
No but I was tempted to try get sick just so I could stay in bed and do nothing for a day!
11. What was the best thing you bought?
It has to be my hand-made head-lace. What is head-lace, you ask? Why it’s a three-way chain you wear on your head of course!
12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?
Eleni for putting up with my tantrums, my drama and my freak-outs. All of which there were numerous!
13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?
Every single man I’m close to. Or tried to get close to. Without exception.
14. Where did most of your money go?
Depressingly enough, taxis. And gin probably.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Uhm… my holidays. But we know how they went. Right now I’m very excited about Australia!
16. What song will always remind of you 2011?
I discovered so many songs this year!
The ones I had on repeat were:
Crave You by Flight Facilities featuring Giselle
Skinny Love by Bon Iver
Mystify by INXS
Romeo and Juliet by Dire Straits
Superwoman by Shontelle (fucking random)
Vintage Treat by J. Melik
Blue Jeans by Lana Del Rey
I Love You So by Cassius
Home by Edward Sharpe and The Magnetic Zeros
Fuck You Lucy by Atmosphere
Fast Car by Tracy Chapman
And, of course, I Follow Rivers by Lykke Li (Magician Remix)
Wow that’s a lot of songs that I remembered there…
17. Compared to this time last year, are:
a)happier or sadder?
b)thinner or fatter?
c) richer or poorer?
Sadder (but stronger).
Thinner (but musclier).
Richer (but broke ‘cos I’m saving).
18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
20. Did you fall in love in 2010?
21. What was your favourite TV program?
Modern Family. Why did it take me so long?!
22. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
No, I don’t hate anyone. Sometimes that gets in the way of punching air at the gym!
23. What was the best book you read?
I discovered Granta which is a magazine cum book. It’s true quality writing and it makes me want to be a serious writer.
24. What was your greatest musical discovery?
25. What did you want and get?
I wanted… I don’t even know.
26. What did you want and not get?
I wanted 2011 to be better than 2010. I suppose it was better in the sense that it wasn’t shitty in the on-fire, heartbreak, diagnosed-with-an-emotional-disorder kind of way.
27. What was your favourite film of this year?
Get Him to the Greek. I think that’s the only new film I watched this year.
28. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
On my 26th birthday, I went to hospital for the first attempt at scar removal surgery. They allocated two treatments to two of my scars in order to figure out the path to maximum success. The one on my side was subjected to medicine that was supposed to shrink the scar gradually. The medicine is delivered by injections that pierce the scar all the way through. They injected my scar a dozen times. I tried not to but I couldn’t help weeping. I was embarrassed to do so as there were three members of staff in the room, but I couldn’t stop. It took me a few minutes to compose myself and allow them to perform treatment on my other scar.
My other scar is special. It is on my right-hand collar bone just above my breast, and so I call it my Second Heart. This scar was subjected to a freezing treatment. Have you ever had anything removed by this process? I had the tiniest blemish removed while at university and it was excruciating. That doctor commended me for not crying out. This doctor was nothing like him.
The moment the frozen air hit my scar I yelled and pushed her away. I braced myself for Take Two but I just couldn’t go through with it. Another doctor walked in, saw me in distress, asked what was happening, was informed, and then asked the doctor why she hadn’t used any anesthetic. Good point, dude. FUCK YOU, ASSHOLE. Later, when I found out they could only book me for treatments every few months (what, and take over a year to heal?) and kicked up a fuss, the same bitch talked over me and said to my father, “But obviously the girl can’t hack it.” ASSHOLE.
I spent the rest of the day feeling faint and trying not to cry on Eleni’s couch. I was so worn out I actually fell asleep. We tried to make rainbow cake. We were not successful! Hey, let’s try again!
29. How you would describe your personal fashion concept in 2011?
I’m definitely growing into my fashion skin, so to speak. I would describe my style as classic, dramatic and quirky, all at the same time. I favour androgynous cuts but always wear feminine, over the top details.
30. What kept you sane?
The idea that I’m just paying dues. That, in the same that I am not a morning person, I am not a youth person; I will grow into myself; I will get better with age.
And, of course, Eleni.
31. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
You know it’s got to be Ryan Gosling! In my defense, I have always hearted him.
32. Who did you miss?
Most people I love.
33. Who was the best new person you met?
Stefani– when we were introduced, our mutual instinct was to hug each other. Kindred spirits!
Ole-ivia ‘cos she is fucking insane and she makes me laugh and she makes my life more interesting.
34. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2010.
That it doesn’t matter how shit things get, they get better again. More importantly, it does’t matter how great things get, they’ll get shitty again. The latter disheartens me. I’ve noticed that it’s changed the shape of my blues.
Are you reading this in an Eeyore voice?
35. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
via the glorious Zsuzsa
HAPPY NEW YEAR, WORLD! I WISH FOR YOU MORE MAGIC, MORE GOOD BOOKS, MORE SMILES, MORE TRAVELS, MORE KITTENS, MORE MOONS, MORE MEMORY PERFUME, MORE HOLDING HANDS, MORE WALKS ON THE BEACH, MORE DRUNKEN PHILOSOPHICAL CONVERSATIONS, MORE LINGERING LOOKS.
I WISH YOU MORE STRENGTH. YOU CAN DO THIS. YOU ARE GOING TO BE OKAY. I LOVE YOU.