Don’t Be This Person

I’m sure my eyes are shining as I battle with my tear ducts. A chain of silent shits and fucks tumble out. I am mortified that I might cry.

Don’t be this person.

Yet, I am this person. I am this sensitive. My ego is gossamery. I am remarkably receptive of rejection. I need so much. “The more I know of the world, the more I am convinced that I shall never see a man whom I can really love. I require so much!”* And I am painfully cognizant of the pros and cons.  This weekend, being this person, worked against me.

Sometimes I don’t sparkle unless someone looks at me. And it’s easy to be matte when you’re a single surrounded by doubles. I was one of the three ones this weekend but no triad was formed except to make luke-warm private jokes. I did not make a dent in the dynamics. My role was soluble. I floated, flockless. I made beige impressions. And so I was not surprised when no one fought for my face on the ride home. But I felt the flat jab of rejection all the same: my absence would not have made a difference.

Don’t be this person.

Yet, I am this person. I am not the fragile, faux-furious flower I was a few years ago, but I am still this person. My sense of self is a fairly self-sufficient these days. My core is more complete.  But it still makes me sad to realise that, when it comes to this weekend, no one will say, “I’m so glad Lex was there.”

This is my fourth time away this year and I have felt like this -hollow, left-out- every single time. This means that I am either:
(a) unlucky
(b) too sensitive (deja vu)
(c) surprisingly replaceable

It’s a shame that after working so hard on my self-esteem, after burning myself into believing that I am loved, I am still that scrawny, silly, sensitive girl that sits in the corner of the group photo with an awkward smile. I am still that person.

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Alexia

I drink, I laugh, I smoke, I write.

14 thoughts on “Don’t Be This Person”

    1. I’m really glad to hear that. And knowing that (and having always suspected it) makes me think twice when I think about other party animals (for lack of a better phrase).

  1. Im sorry you felt like that… i guess we all have our days! I know the feeling though and its like: “what the hell am i doing here?”… it usually happens when i really didnt feel like going out or was feeling particularly down for some reason! Thanks for sharing though!

    1. Exactly! For some reason, I feel like, if I’m not the life of the party, I’ve failed somehow. Sounds so stupid when I say it out loud, but that’s how it is.

  2. Mythological heroes have always been defined as much by their doubts as their courage (and as much by their flaws as their fortitude). So it is with the Greek heroine, Lexi. Another chapter added to the saga. I must wonder how many people you encounter who would for hours be happy to listen to Lexi, but you would not know because your ego is engaged with your id. “Tà pánta rheî kaì oudèn ménei.”

      1. Colloquialisms have always been fascinating to me. In the southern U.S. we say, “If a bullfrog had wings, it wouldn’t bump its ass.” (when someone is using “if” too much) and “Higher than a Georgia pine.” (piss drunk) So I like to learn idioms in other languages. They’ve even worked as pickup lines (I told a girl in college, “Chi dorme non piglia pesci”…which is Italian and worked like a charm. I didn’t tell her that it means “Those who sleep don’t catch any fish.”). But I also had to learn Greek in the early 1990s so to say knowing Greek colloquialisms is completely random for me wouldn’t be entirely true. 😉

  3. beige and matte…. I love the way you use your words… though i hate feeling those feelings… Here’s something i recently found out – If you ever feel down don’t do what i recently did, going to a blues club to listen to a guy sing sad songs about loss… Not the pick me up i first thought it would be.

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