Today I took a ladybug for a walk. She let me go for a yellow flower. I say good bye to favourite people all the time. It gets easier but it also gets harder. I know I am getting colder because my words are getting shorter, and my trust is more brusque, and when cabbies rectify the wrong change they gave me, I think, Liar. You did that on purpose. I react to what I don’t like and it’s unsettling. I like it, but they don’t. The world is filled with people who don’t understand me. Mama says that’s okay because I run deeper than others.
And I still think of sunsets when I see the dead light behind the orange pane on the ceiling at work, and I still believe that sometimes the radio plays songs just for me. I still believe in tutu skirts and white rose wreaths, and I still believe that sometimes I’m beautiful.
I paint in my nails in colours I’ve never imagined and bleach the darkness out of my hair. Summer is peeling and I am finally ready to shed this skin.
I forget to think about him and don’t even realise that I’ve forgotten to think about him. He was the best fuck I ever had and he still wasn’t worth it. At the gym they tell me to punch air and it’s hard to put myself into it because I’m not angry anymore. I roam my brain for exes I hate and come up with nothing but indifference. My punches fail, flaccid little lines where my brokenness used to be. No more tramp stamps for me. My heart is a clean slate. And yet, it is not waiting.
Big changes are coming. Whirlpools of beginnings, and rivers of determination. This is my time. I know it is because it feels foolish to write it. Big changes are coming. And I’m really fucking excited.