Big Changes

Today I took a ladybug for a walk. She let me go for a yellow flower. I say good bye to favourite people all the time. It gets easier but it also gets harder. I know I am getting colder because my words are getting shorter, and my trust is more brusque, and when cabbies rectify the wrong change they gave me, I think, Liar. You did that on purpose. I react to what I don’t like and it’s unsettling. I like it, but they don’t. The world is filled with people who don’t understand me. Mama says that’s okay because I run deeper than others.

And I still think of sunsets when I see the dead light behind the orange pane on the ceiling at work, and I still believe that sometimes the radio plays songs just for me. I still believe in tutu skirts and white rose wreaths, and I still believe that sometimes I’m beautiful.

I paint in my nails in colours I’ve never imagined and bleach the darkness out of my hair. Summer is peeling and I am finally ready to shed this skin.

I forget to think about him and don’t even realise that I’ve forgotten to think about him. He was the best fuck I ever had and he still wasn’t worth it.  At the gym they tell me to punch air and it’s hard to put myself into it because I’m not angry anymore. I roam my brain for exes I hate and come up with nothing but indifference. My punches fail, flaccid little lines where my brokenness used to be. No more tramp stamps for me. My heart is a clean slate. And yet, it is not waiting.

Big changes are coming. Whirlpools of beginnings, and rivers of determination. This is my time. I know it is because it feels foolish to write it. Big changes are coming. And I’m really fucking excited.

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Published by

Alexia

I drink, I laugh, I smoke, I write.

17 thoughts on “Big Changes”

  1. ‘The world is filled with people who don’t understand me. Mama says that’s okay because I run deeper than others’- so true.

    Big changes starting with blueberries? 🙂

    I wish I had the will power to stick to a gym routine! HOW do you do it?!

    1. Yes, blueberries!

      My friends are shocked I’ve turned into gym bunny- that’s how anti-gym I used to be! Just force yourself to go regularly for a couple of months and eventually you will crave it. That’s what happened to me- I made it a standard as opposed to an option.

  2. Change happens for all of us whether we want it to or not. By opening yourself up to it, I am sure big things will happen. I think it is good the anger has evaporated. To often, we allow the anger to repress the memories and we loose whole chunks of our past.

      1. I am sure someone else will come along and spark up that anger, along with the passion and fear that usually goes with it. That is the way love works. Just choose better than me– if you can.

  3. “My trust is more brusque.” Tsk, tsk…but I couldn’t have resisted that either. But “I know I’m getting colder because my words are getting shorter…” really, really resonates with me.

    Ride the changes for all they are worth, and don’t forget to tag us along?

  4. “Big changes are coming. Whirlpools of beginnings, and rivers of determination.”

    I feel the same!…
    missed your writing……
    you hadnt written in while and i hadnt visited your blog in a while…
    xx

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