Whore

The day you realise you’re a whore is an ugly one. The shame washes over you as you realise that somewhere along the way, you stopped being a prize-winning cow and became spoilt milk. You have become the girl they just want to fuck. You let them fuck you because they fill a hole in your heart. They charge, swollen with swagger, smiles full of promises, so you let them fuck you, and in those moments, amongst all the skin, you have all the answers. And then you explode, epiphanies like little stars, blindingly white. You see God even if you didn’t say his name.  And then he skulks away, sulky when he feels your little hand on his chest. You’re a whore so what do you need comforting for?

You are not a slut. You do not sleep around. You are a whore. You spread your legs for premature promises. You are a whore because you are so desperate for the afterglow that you press the fast-forward button on your skin and ignore the alarm in your mind flashing yellow: Slow down, bitch. His words are balloons and they will burst when he comes. You say ssh! it’s not like that. He knows me, he knows I’m not a tramp. And the alarm flashes again: Honey, your heart is covered in the tramp stamps of guys that didn’t realise how fragile you are or knew and didn’t care. You say, Yes, yes, you’re right, and you makes promises to yourself that get lost when the lights go off.

You are a whore because you are clever. Because if you choose inappropriate men, and if you sleep with them, and then they don’t call you, you have every right to fear commitment. You id is clever bitch. You felt dirty last time too, remember? The next morning, with tights torn and thighs sore, you swore you would stop settling for temporary intimacy. You are wildly wily. You are terrified that they won’t want you if you make them wait. You act like you are not a quality woman. You let them have you today because they might not want you tomorrow.

You have become the type of woman that lets him kiss you because it’s easier that admitting you like him. If you like him, he won’t want you anymore. You have tried not to believe it but you have been knocked down from your pedestal too many times by now. Besides, isn’t that your forte? You are a glorified whore pretending she doesn’t want something more. The confession is already hard, so work on him instead.

You are a whore. Rarely, yes. By accident, yes. But a whore nonetheless. And you’re really screwed, because you don’t look like Julia Roberts, and you don’t find Richard Gere attractive.

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Published by

Alexia

I drink, I laugh, I smoke, I write.

24 thoughts on “Whore”

  1. I don’t even know what to say to this one, but I feel I must say something. It’s just…well, I don’t know…it’s hard to bring what this makes me feel to the surface so it can be gift-wrapped as a compliment. Or admiration. Or something. You are remarkably insightful, stunning in your expressions…but this are all words again. I know you hear them all the time. Just more words.

    I am sharing you with my friends on this one. I don’t know why I haven’t before (maybe I have…memory is a strange phenomenon lately)…

    b

    1. Ben, I love your comments!! I do hear words all the time but I’m always greedy for more. Of course, I know that words are just as important to you as they are to me so your words actually mean something to me.

  2. Your Id may be wily, your ego fragile, but your super-ego is a mean son-of-a bitch. Intimacy is tricky and it befuddles millions and millions of people. You are not alone in being confused and lost as you search for intimacy. If you are a “whore” then you are certainly not alone in being so.

    Here is your key phrase: “because you are so desperate for the afterglow”.
    It is your problem and it is your answer. Here are some questions: what is happening in your mind “during” the afterglow? Is it possible to have that feeling at times other than after sex? If somehow you came to understand that the source of the afterglow was not caused by him but was from within you, would that make a difference? If you came to understand that the hole in your gut that screams to be filled is not empty of others but empty of your Self, would that make a difference?

    You are like the drunk who looks for his lost keys under the lamp post because there is more light there while the keys lie over there in the shadows.

    Learn what it really is you hunger for. You have identified it as “intimacy”. But no amount of intimacy from others can keep you from standing away from your Self and criticizing her. Do not hate her for needing. Rather honestly ask her what she needs and from whom. The answer may surprise you.

    1. I wanted to read this a few times before I replied to make sure I understood it properly. I see what you mean about the hole that is filled with the afterglow and it’s definitely something I’m going to consider in the future.

      I adore the drunk looking for his keys metaphor. Succinct and effective.

      Your advice is similar to some I got the other day. She called it ‘my darkness’ or ‘my shadow’ and suggested I talk to it and see what comes up.

      Oof, so much analysis, no little time!

      Thank you for taking the time to comment, Pops.

  3. Whoa. Lexi. I haven’t commented in a while and, to be honest, I must not have been reading much lately either because I read this and was just… wow. I was reminded of how close I feel to you every time that you write something like this because I feel like I could have written it myself. I’ve been in denial for a while about my year abroad and the sexual adventures I went on while I was there and even though it was unhealthy behavior, I never wanted to confront that it was anything more than being young and having fun. But there was always an underlying feeling that I couldn’t identify and I think you nailed it with this one. I don’t like to refer to myself as a whore, I never have and even as I write this, I still refuse to claim it but you spoke to me with this one. I know exactly how it feels. Like you wrote this for me too. Thank you.

    1. Oh Heather, you know how much I love your comments. It’s incredible to write something almost inexpressible in real life and have people from across the world get it, get me.

      I toast to us kicking our respective demons’ asses!!

  4. That really means a lot to me! I’ve hit the struggles with writing lately (funny that I remember you did, too) and I’m not sure if it will come back this time. But I love to see more posts from you!

  5. Our advice is the same so long as you consider “your darkness” to be that part of yourself that you keep in the dark or in the shadows. Using those names make it sort of frightening. But what you keep in the shadows is not frightening. It has been put there, out of sight, because the conscious part of you tries to pretend it doesn’t exist.

  6. Sad and beautiful and precious and lovely and, well, sad.

    You’re a good person and a talented writer. I don’t like the word “whore”, generally speaking, but you used it effectively.

    I hope you can treat yourself, at some point, as well as you deserve.

  7. I agree with parts of all these guys, I don’t like the term “whore” either. Though I use it properly to describe women too often but then again, I know too many real whores (which doesn’t make them bad women mind you). You are not a whore.

    I know exactly how you feel because I feel that way often too. You are lonely. You are looking for something but searching for it in the wrong spot just like Pop’s said. Having sex and feeling empty after doesn’t make you a whore; don’t slap some society label on yourself.

    Don’t continue to do what makes you feel unhappy though. Enjoy what does make you happy and if these boys pass you by than they were not worth your time.

    1. “Having sex and feeling empty after doesn’t make you a whore; don’t slap some society label on yourself. ”

      Agreed. ‘Whore’ is a pretty misogynistic word (at least the way you are using it- I do know some sex workers who would call themselves whores but that is a bit different as they are re-claiming the word as a descriptive and positive one.) It’s bad enough that men use that word to demean women who don’t behave in the way that society demands of them, no need to internalise it/use it yourself.

      Of course I am not trying to belittle how you feel; feeling sad/lonely/empty after having casual sex is not great and you should try and treat yourself well and behave in a way that will make you happy! Just think you should re-consider your choice of words.

      1. Well, I felt like a whore. And I quite like the dramatic attributes of the word.
        I know what you mean about the Madonna/whore complex though. I think that I forget about it though and feel that way despite myself.

  8. Methinks the objections and affirmations to this post have diluted the metaphor. I’ve actually returned to read this every time the wonderful Interweb fairies tell my inbox there’s a comment. I wouldn’t add my voice again, but I so love when words (clumsy and callous) are coaxed with beauty and elegance. The metaphor was perfect. Sublime and trimmed of excess. Those are my $0.02 (don’t know what that is in Euros).

      1. I’m very glad! If we allow the metaphor to expand as it should, we’re all whores pretty much constantly. The only thing that changes is with whom we are dealing and what important part of ourselves is being bartered. Takes a special mind (spirit, perhaps?) to ferret something like that out…

  9. And I agree with Ben. The writing was beautiful….and again, painfully so. If I thought it was mere fiction, I would not have responded at all. I am concerned, however, with the reason it is being written and believe it to be more than mere fiction.

  10. Of course the writing is beautiful, tragically openly so. Alexis you always write beautiful, and you are beautiful both inside and out; you are too hard on yourself.

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