Nothing Special

I pull my mouth away from his and fall back into the passenger seat. He strokes my face and then he smiles.

I think, That smile would have made me melt out of hope and anticipation before, but actually it just makes my heart beat all sad-sweet like broken lollipops. He is smiling now and my tattered hands are beautiful to him now, and it all screeches to a halt just before it breaks through my rib cage. I love the Now, I do, but I want more: I want the Tomorrow.

I turn my head and look out the window. I think, I haven’t done this in a very long time, just sit in a car and talk and kiss for hours. He is not my type, but I like the way he surprises me, how he doesn’t quite fit into the pigeonhole in which I placed him. I am enjoying this Now with little regard to the Tomorrow because I have finally learnt that words are not as important to everyone else as they are to me.

I light a cigarette and I think, That street-lamps looks like my buddy, the moon. Those lights look like flames. No, don’t go there. My skin feels hot. I don’t want to think about it. Be here, be now. Don’t be a burning, screaming lamb. How do I be a Now Girl? This is too much for me, and I know it will be too much for him. As it was for all of them.

He strokes my arm, up and down relentlessly, my arms, my hands, my shoulders. One of my dress straps has fallen and he pulls it up before he continues touching me. I think, Here I am with this nice boy dishing out affection and I am looking up at the pseudo-moon, smoking and thinking about retro traumas. I am so broken that I can’t even bring myself to give his arm a little rub in return. I am sad for myself, but I am relieved because I know that I am safe l like this. And then I am sad again because he doesn’t know about the hole inside me and it’s likely he never will. I cannot turn to him and confess of my broken-ness. He is not that kind of boy. And that is okay because he is a Now-Boy. 

I think, Am I over-thinking?

He says, ‘What are you thinking about?’

I smile and say, ‘Nothing special.’


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Published by

Alexia

I drink, I laugh, I smoke, I write.

11 thoughts on “Nothing Special”

  1. Painfully beautiful. Your soul is reflecting the message your body sends. But souls cannot be burned and consequently are simply beautiful when fully revealed.

  2. wow. that was painful.

    are you still a now- girl though? maybe you’ve changed too. and that’s not a bad thing- to want more than now. then atleast when you worry, it’s for good reason, because you’re investing in ‘later’.

    hug!

    1. I think I’ve always been a Tomorrow Girl, it’s just that I can’t find a Tomorrow Boy to match me. The Now Boys want me and my Tomorrow Boys think I’m a Now Girl… follow?!

      1. Urg- that is a yucky place to be I know. Try being upfront right from the start- that whole part where we play games testing the Now Boys? It doesn’t work. If you’re upfront, and he’s a Tomorrow boy, he’ll just say, “that’s okay. I’m a Tomorrow boy too”. And if he’s isn’t he just won’t call again, and you won’t end up having to wonder/getting hurt.

  3. You will be back in the now when it captivates you totally. When that kisses steals your breath and takes the thoughts from your head. When all you can think about is that kiss and what comes after, you will be back in the now. I hope you find it soon.

    1. Like I said to Seesaw… The problem is that kisses need to be stolen by both mouths! I’ve stolen many kisses over the years, and I’ve even had a few stolen but now I want to steal the kiss of someone who also wants to steal mine! Phew!

  4. Responding just to what you’ve written in this post… it sounds as if you’re waiting for someone to overwhelmingly sweep you into Tomorrow because Now is too fleeting and Yesterday is still too close. I’m not saying that this boy is the right one, but if you can’t bring yourself to “give his arm a little rub in return”, are you going to be able to walk with or be swept into Tomorrow with someone when he comes along?

    1. Touche, bro. Tres touche.
      Unfortunately, I guess that’s one of the points of this post. People who are disappointed often tend to become a bit jaded. Personally, I hate that I’ve become sceptical. It is against my nature and yet still unavoidable. I used to jump but now I need a push. Huh, I could have just written that sentence instead of a whole post.

      Thank you for the insight, Logan. It truly was insightful.

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