Swan to Phoenix to Peacock

I’m lying on my back. I’m floating on turquoise waters, perfectly chilled to make my heart fresh. I’m staring at the powder blue sky playing hide-and-go-seek with the clouds, and never finding them. My body sighs. I didn’t realise how much I missed swimming, stitching arms and legs to water, a semi-mermaid. Or how much I love the way I love sand scrubs my skin clean. Or how the fish dart around my feet like soft silver bullets, or flipping myself like a pancake without a clock, my back is getting hot- I think I’ll turn over. Or how I can swallow every word of a book in one day. I didn’t realise how much I missed being a summer baby.
I am not yet brown but my skin is ripe, sweet with sun and my hair twirls into salty tendrils. Today I am a poster girl for the islands. Darkened skin, lightened hair, lemon-yellow cut-offs, boy t-shirts and funky sunglasses. I make sense here, among the white-washed walls, the ocean-coloured window panes, the local open smiles, and writing post-cards while watching the fishermen smoke and spit and swear and laugh. Here, among the beautiful, distorted gold jewellery, the quirky tavernas and the balcony beneath the bougainvillea. I am at peace. There is no noise in my head, there are no boys in my heart, there are no voices in my soul. I am today. I am floating and I don’t think of anything, I just float, feeling the crisp green water hold me. It is just the ocean, the sky and me: the phoenix. Water, air and fire coming together. This is my personal spiritual baptism. I am air by birth. I have been fire for growth. And now, I’m going to be water for zen. This is my rebirth. Sad swan to fiery phoenix to proud and peaceful peacock.


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I drink, I laugh, I smoke, I write.

11 thoughts on “Swan to Phoenix to Peacock”

  1. Almost verbatim how I have been feeling on holiday and why I’m struggling to return to ‘normality’. ALTHOUGH, I can’t seem to get boys out of my heart. Any help would be much appreciated. Thanks.

    1. Honestly? Quite simply, I started thinking about myself first. I think women tend to worry whether we are good enough for X. I am just training my mind to figure out whether X is good enough for me. I care less if they think I’m a bitch or eccentric or awkward. We have the power (regardless of gender) to allow whomever we want into our lives!

      Hope this helps. And I hope I take my own advice!

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