Looking at a photograph of a chandelier, it all made sense. Suddenly, I understood why I am so desperate to be surrounded by beauty. It is because there is a darkness in me, so much darkness that I need my life to be pretty and perfect to balance it out. I need to be adorable. I need my body to be perfect. I need my friends and I to have magazine relationships. I need fairytale love. I need silk and chiffon and pearls. I need satsuma sunsets. I need cupcakes and champagne for breakfast. I need to be overwhelmed by beauty every day because if I don’t, I remember the darkness. And that darkness leads to drinking and cutting and bad men and running away. And that’s no good. And I’d really rather have the pearls.