Darkness Makes Sense to Me

Sometimes people look at me and wonder why I’m so sad. I know they do. They give me shot after shot, as if vodka can inflate a smile. And it does. But everything that can be inflated can be deflated. And so it does.

They comment on my long hair. Oh it’s so long. Oh it’s so healthy. And I laugh and I tell them of how long it took to grow it but they don’t realise the work it took. This means nothing to no one. Long hair is a stupid thing to discuss. I don’t know what I want to discuss.

I love the night but I feel like I identify with it too much. The darkness makes sense to me. It is natural for me to feel isolated. Yet, I am not. I am not.

My head is buzzing. One whiskey, two cocktails, two tequila shots and four vodka caramel shots will do that to you. For the second time this week , I was called a party animal. I don’t know who else to be. My friends will be angry when they read this.

There is something I am meant to. I just don’t know what it is.

Sometimes I feel voices marching towards me like an army. I don’t know what they are saying. Maybe it’s the Bipolar talking. But I do feel an energy marching towards me. And sometimes it’s dark, and sometimes it’s light, but usually it’s  strange oppressive combination.

I talk to people who cut me out of their lives but I still love them.
I hate the way I love everybody.
I hate the I am trying to stop that.

This is the most useless post ever.

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Published by

Alexia

I drink, I laugh, I smoke, I write.

24 thoughts on “Darkness Makes Sense to Me”

  1. we are all confused
    some of us are too confused to even accept it

    but there’s always something that will be clear

    only you’ll know what it is

      1. 🙂
        I know what’s true for me
        “Even if certain people belittle me…
        I am anything but little…”
        And who I am will never change,
        regardless of all my screw-ups… or those that happen to me.

  2. Dude, you were in my dream last night. We were sitting at a table when this guy comes over and starts bad mouthing you. You became all sad and perplexed as to how someone can be angry at you. I felt so bad so I stepped up and asked him “why are you being so mean?” and he goes into this hysteric speech about how he made a move to be in your life and you didn’t let him in or something and all of a sudden you get an evil, knowing smile and everything made sense to you.
    Just thought I’d mention this to you in case this dream had like a super cool message to deliver to you 🙂
    xxx

  3. So tell me: what exactly is the difference between useful and useless? You are in touch with something primal. Most people ball up and the currents, rapids, and waves of life toss them around until they are just more flotsam on some unseeable shore. You can, from your writings, open up and let the swirling waters hit every small part of you…soaking up life, wallowing in the after-currents. That’s a rare gift.

    1. Ben, seriously, stop with the awesome comments! You’ll give me a massive ego. Oh wait, I already have one of those. What comes after a massive ego?

    1. Hahaha, you know it! I disagree with your theory on life being random though. I think it’s just that the universe plays music we don’t understand until we remember it.

      1. Yeah I don’t really believe it myself. It makes me feel lost and alone when I do. Just thought it fit the context at the time!

  4. “My reason for preferring the darkness is that in the dark you have to describe yourself. In the daylight, other people describe you.”

    — from ‘Mister God, This Is Anna’

  5. My comments will sound more like a parent’s scolding so I’ll keep them to myself. What inflates, deflates far worse. This summer should be one of exploring new ground.

  6. Darkness makes sense to me too. Your words felt familiar, like I had written this or thought this or felt this at some point in my life before…or even now. I rarely drink but tend to think myself into stupors like the one you seem to have been in when you wrote this. I know what it’s like to feel shut off and detached from the world and the people around you. Like you don’t know who you are or why you’re here, living the way you do. It’s happened several times before to me – and actually, it’s happening right now. Oddly, each time, I feel as helpless as the last – as if I haven’t learned any lessons at all from the past, except the one where I’ve learned to hope that this too, like the times before, will pass. x

    1. Couldn’t have said it better myself. Thank you for taking the time to write this. And for understanding in the first place. The Darkness is a hard thing to describe. Bastard.

      And welcome!

  7. Darkness makes sense to me too. But it’s the light that I really want to be in, lately. And long healthy hair – that would be a topic I could discuss with you, mainly to ask you what it is that you do.

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