Alexia: I’m learning how to let go of needing to know. You will know when it’s time to know. I realise this sounds silly and difficult but I think it’s something you and I struggle with. And I think it’s a lesson that is constantly being illuminated in our experiences. And one we refuse to learn.
Eleni: I like that…’You will know when it’s time to know.’ You’re absolutely right.
The only thing he said that is worth mentioning is when he asked why I was single and I said, ‘That’s the million dollar question.’ And then I was telling him that it’s really hard to meet someone that you connect with and talk to. And I said something else and then I said, ‘Maybe there’s somehting wrong with me I don’t know.’ And he kind of laughed and said, ‘There’s nothing wrong with you.’
Alexia: What kind of laugh?
Eleni: It was the kind of laugh when you’re laughing to yourself, you know what I mean? Very short, spontaneous, and almost under his breath.
Alexia: Hmm, I like that. Not laughing it off, but meaning what he says.
But GODDAMN IF THAT ISN’T THE MILLION DOLLAR FUCKING QUESTION!! I’ve been thinking about this whole single thing these days. Which is usual, but this time it’s, like- SERIOUSLY- HOW AM I SINGLE?! I honestly don’t understand. I’m fucking awesome.
Eleni: WORD. Also, he has this ex-girlfriend who he says is his soul mate. She’s still in love with him and they’ve been broken up 15 years.
Alexia: If she’s his soulmate, why aren’t they together?!
Eleni: That’s what he asked me. And he was talking about commitment issues and why he hasn’t done anything to address him and if he hasn’t done anything until now, why should he do it at all. And all I could say is, ‘You’re an idiot. And also, sometimes, just because someone is your soul mate, doesn’t mean you’re going to be with them.’
I should also mention that I can’t form coherent thoughts when I’m with. Half the time I want to say so much to him that I can’t think straight. I come across as the most uneloquent person on earth.
Alexia: You are adorable. Adorable!
Also, ‘Why should he do it now?’ What an idiot. To evolve, fool.
Eleni: RIGHT? That’s what I should have said. And maybe… TO PROVIDE YOUR DAUGHTER WITH A GOOD ROLE MODEL?
Alexia: Honestly, Eleni, sorry to be rude but I am having a hard time reconciling with the idea of being with someone who is not interested in self improvement.
Eleni: I know. I think I was dumbstruck that a person of his intellect said that. It was a little off-putting.
Alexia: You know what? I want to remember this whenever you feel intimidated. You are on the path to self-discovery. You are always trying to better yourself, to be more aware, to exceed your own expectations. That is more than most people. In fact, that is more than a massive majority.
Eleni: Yes, the people who are on a path to discovery are a small minority. And WE RULE.
Alexia: Jeez, how slow are we? Only took us, like a decade plus to realise. Seriously, dude, we are fantastic people. We are funny and warm and good and intelligent and pretty and cultured. And the only reason we’re single is because we haven’t been seeing all those qualities. And people can sniff that shit out a mile away. Because when it comes to something an intimate as romance, your real energies come through. So if you don’t love yourself, a man -without realizing- will pick up on it and only a truly enlightened man will be able to recognise it for what it is and see the real you and push through to that.
The problem is that women are more conscious. Men are catching up when it comes to enlightenment but most men are still asleep.
Eleni: I’m copy-pasting that on my forehead.
Alexia: Honey, there is literally no other reason.
Eleni: I KNOW! Man, for smart women, we’re pretty dumb.
Alexia: Now that I’m on this wonderful path of self-appreciation, I laugh out loud when I think of still being single! I’m superb! As are you! And we’re not dumb! If we weren’t meant to begin the path of enlightenment in this life, we would not have had those doubts to begin with. Those who are asleep do not seek. QUOTE-ALERT!
Alexia: Did I tell you what my friend said about why we attract suffering?
Eleni: I don’t think so.
Alexia: It’s because our souls need to break so that we can evolve spiritually. Don’t get me wrong, we do not only evolve when we suffer. But sometimes the soul needs to be broken down in order to be rebuilt. Think of your soul as becoming a butterfly. So there is no need to resent the pain. Which I suspect we have both been doing. We have been angry that we have suffered so much. We think life owes us something.
We must learn to stop and listen. Ask ourselves why we are suffering. What is the lesson that we are not learning? Because it’s always more obvious and more obscure than we think at the same time.
Eleni: I’ve been thinking about my life lately. And as I was, I realized how often and how much I never did the things I wanted to do, I didn’t love myself and I didn’t appreciate ME. My uniqueness. And I think that I broke because my soul was like, ‘This woman is seriously not getting that she needs to be herself to shine.’
Alexia: Exactly. You were ignoring your self, your instinct. You were stifling your soul’s freedom. But your soul is so much more complicated, and so much wiser than you could imagine. TRUST YOURSELF. Last week when I was paranoid about The Healer? I WAS RIGHT. But I listened to my logic. And that’s okay. Because now I KNOW without a shadow of a doubt that I am always right. That when you get a gut feeling about anything, no matter how small, you need to train yourself to go with it.
Eleni: I think it has to be a balance of gut and logic because sometimes the gut is wrong.
Alexia: Not in my experience. You’re thinking of Fear. Which is what I thought I was feeling last week.
Eleni: Hmmm, that’s interesting. So you’re saying that your gut is always right…and we confuse it with fear, huh?
Alexia: Yes. Sometimes that knot in your stomach is fear. That’s not your instinct. But I was scared last week so I couldn’t tell which was which. I think I mentioned this to you back then too.
Can I just say that I am adoring this conversation? I realised that I can’t talk to many people like this.
Eleni: I know! Me either. Um, actually, it’s basically you aaaand Diego*.
Alexia: Most people look at me as though I’m crazy. Which is okay. I don’t need to be understood by everybody. It’s just that now that I’m awakening, I find myself very hungry for people to talk to about it all. I want to learn, you know? Actually here it’s just Olive and The Healer. And now not The Healer. And soon not Olive becase she’s moving to Brazil.
Eleni: I’m sure you’ll meet more people in Australia that you can talk to about this. Alexia: I’m putting my spiritual feelers out for some kindred spirits. I’m asking the Universe to send me some souls. I’m vey excited about these new friends! Perhaps you should do the same. It doesn’t take anything. Literally, very simply, PURELY, just say, ‘Universe, I am ready to meet my soul siblings,’ and say it with your heart (if you know what I mean).
Okay, the phrase ‘soul siblings’ made me gag.
Have I told you about ‘holding the space’ for someone to be just who they are?
Eleni: Ha! Nope.
Alexia: It’s why I felt so comfortable The Healer- he let me be. Whoever that was. He said that I’ve got a gift for it- being open to everybody and, well, giving them the space to be themselves. Do you GET it? Becase I’m going somewhere with this.
Eleni: Yes! I get it.
Alexia: Great! So, now- epiphany. I’ve been so grateful to The Healer for ‘holding the space’ for me. And I should. It’s rare and I am very appreciative.
Wait for it cos this is gonna be legen….
Are you waiting?
Eleni: On the edge of my seat.
Alexia: He didn’t MAKE space for me.
Eleni: *slow clap* YES! FOR FUCK’S SAKE, YES!
Alexia: …dary. It’s like, he bought tickets to my show but he never wanted to come backstage.
Eleni: Yes, yes, yes!
Alexia: WHAAAAT?! My blood is fucking sparkling, I’m so brilliant.
*Diego is Eleni’s cat.